Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Vida la Vida

 Isabelle & Rose at Dog Training this weekend.  What a great morning.  Everyone was a superstar and we even got some sun.   To see all these amazing beautiful dogs together, it was breathtaking.
 Sunday Dinner:  Duck...Cabbage...and Wine of course.
 Scavenger Hike Nature Walk - Just in case you didn't know...Ben's adventurism... kind of makes me a tad nervous at times.  He is ALL boy.  My climbing creative little guy....who makes my heart stop, but makes my heart filled to the brim and spill over.
 We are calling Liv: the DOG WHISPERER...these days.  The puppy handler...director...boss...controller...might be appropriate along those lines as well.   She just loves her new puppies!  Do they look scared?   Um....I think they are getting used to her "snuggles".
Spiderman in the middle of my peaceful bamboo plant.  Seriously?  Dominoes falling in great crashes around me.  This is the chaos of my daily life.  I thrive in peace and order and that does not exist here.   Do I exist here?  I do not know.   My reality is taken for a sailboat ride in a thunderstorm every single day. Pulled in so many directions at once.  I love it, yet it makes me want to puke.   Just something I had to get used to.  Something I had to accept.  Some days, yes some days are easier then others.  Those are the days that we put on the tunes and dance our way through making dinner and the evening hours.  Other days, I struggle not to cry.  Not because things are bad or horrible in any way...just because my selfish self doesn't have things in the way that I would find ideal.  My house is not neat or orderly, I have basically no free/me time.  This gets to me sometimes.  But, I chose this life and I am blessed by the demands that are placed upon me although I dont always realize this when I should.   Most the time I am ok, but all gets me down. Overwhelmed & drowning.   This circus of chaos that I cannot control, it exhausts me and I do not feel that I am enough or ever will be..  But then I ask myself, why do I have to control it?  Who cares?  Seriously.  What rules say that I have to do this or that?  If I could just let go of the restrictions and musts that I place upon myself, than maybe I could enjoy a smidge more instead of getting frustrated with all the time that slips away without my goals, plans and dreams even a glint in the moment of the day.  I hate that time runs fast away from me.  I hate that the children grow so quick.  I hate that I can't give them more of me. I know that I shouldn't hate, but I do.  I hate that I now have grey hair among other things.   I am so afraid of not being able to do , what I need to do.  I am feeling so challenged in so many ways and feel like I am failing a whole lot these days.  I need to have patience, I need  to have strength, I need to have understanding, I need to have I pray for these things.  That is all I know how to do.  I pray that I survive and that I thrive and maybe along the way that I truly do something good and worthy and important, that I make some kind of difference along the way in this crazy world.  In this time in which I seem like nothing...but maybe, just maybe I am much more than that.  Laughter, Tears, Screams and Joy....I am here, through it all....creating it, accepting it, loving it, hating it....being it.  I truly love my life.....I just pray that I learn how to TRULY LOVE MY LIFE.  I need to let go and let love.  I know this.  Let Love.  Let Love.  Let Love.

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